(Heartland, US) - Eggnog consumers across the nation were shaken early today by allegations of using offensive holiday language with regard to chicken eggs. Poultrian representatives from farms across the United States came together in a landmark movement demanding that the term 'eggnog' be removed from the national lexicon and replaced with the more acceptable, 'holiday nog.'
Ms. Gladys Cluck, speaking for concerned chickens everywhere, said the move came as a result of worries among self-identified progressive chickens that non-egg-eaters might feel anxious during the busy shopping season by being exposed to brightly colored cartons boldly emblazoned with the word 'eggnog.'
One unidentified chicken, who described herself as a more fundamental egg layer, said that she did not feel the targeted terminology was offensive to anyone, and this was a matter of a few hens cackling more loudly than the rest.
Planned Chickenhood, normally supportive of progressive movements, decried the demands of the poultric antagonists as well, stating that since unhatched eggs are simply unviable yolk and albumin masses, they have no rights.
The American Chicken Liberties Alliance has yet to issue a statement, however it is widely believed that they will support the movement to ban the term 'eggnog' if for no other reason than to irritate those who hold to traditional ideals.
At press time, retail representatives were holding a private meeting. An internal source wishing to remain anonymous said he believes stores everywhere would kowtow in abject fear this season, and would act quickly to eliminate any and all overtly or even slightly offensive words from packaging. It is unclear if the move would have any effect on what is being called by some, The Great Chicken Protest of 2015.
When asked what might happen if the antagonistic chickens continued clucking and creating a ruckus, the retail representative quietly suggested that the next step might be to go to plain packaging for holiday related products identified only by an item number. Officially, industry spokespersons and spokeschicks alike expressed regret that some were offended by such blatant use of traditionally benign words.
Doesn't it feel good to have a nice light-hearted chuckle once in a while? Truth is, the idea for this random thought came to me when I bought my first carton of eggnog for the season, and it really was called 'holiday nog.' I had a short fit of sad laughter over that, wondering all the time who had been offended by the word, 'eggnog.' As if it isn't bad enough that the word 'Christmas' has to removed from everything, now 'egg' has come under attack too?
I don't want to be left out of the crowd. Everyone wants to be upset by something these days, why not me too? Doggonit, I can be just as irritated as the next person (or chicken)! So, here goes...
I'm tired of my religious liberties being marginalized at every turn. I sick of people of my faith being silenced and pushed to the sidelines of society. I'm offended that I have to be exposed to 'holiday trees' and 'season's greetings' simply because a few don't like the fact that Christmastime is in fact a celebration of the coming of the Christian Messiah. I am really offended by the slimy content of the shows being broadcast on nearly every television station in the nation, and not just that it's vulgar and profane, but blatantly and unapologetically pokes fun at every day, orthodox, church-going, Christian people. Any other group would be protected from such vile attempts at humor, but not Christians. I’m tired of the intolerance of the so-called tolerant…
I'll stop there. You get the point. One thing I've learned over the years is that some groups are okay to minimize and degrade, especially Christians. And if you are a Christian who believes God's Word is entirely true, a Christian who believes there is a real place we call 'hell', a Christian who believes in a God who judges souls to eternal consequences, a Christian who believes in obedience even to the point of denying themselves the fulfilment of personal passions and desires (yes that includes sexually), then watch your back, because some of your most vicious opponents will even come from within the church. Been there. Done that.
Sigh... Tis the season!